A FITTING culmination to his political career in this period was the singular honour that was bestowed on him when he was selected to move in 1958, on the floor of the House of Representatives, the resolution which formally demanded Independence for Nigeria in 1960.
This was the resolution to which the British government was favourably disposed and thus acceded to. Chief Enahoro is often wrongly assumed to have moved this motion; his own motion for self-government in 1956 was, in fact, defeated by the opposition of the Northern People's Congress.
Chief Akintola's 1957 motion for independence in 1959, was, like Chief Enahoro's, unsuccessful because the British government refused to accede to it.
The second phase of Chief Fani-Kayode's political career commenced in 1960, when he entered the Western Nigeria legislature in August, 1960, as a member of the N.C.N.C. This phase, which lasted till the close of his political career which ended with annulment of the 1993 presidential election results, presents greater difficulty than the pre-independence phase, and, it must be conceded, is not as glorious.
However, it started well enough when within a few months he succeeded the late Chief Osadebay as the Leader of the Opposition in the Western Nigeria legislature in November, 1960, even though, he had just joined the N.C.N.C. a few months before.
This appointment was obviously in recognition of his effectiveness as a legislator and political leader. Within a short period, his dynamism and strong leadership revived the Western wing of the N.C.N.C. and restored their faltering morale. In 1962, when the pro-Awolowo faction of the A.G. sought to remove Chief Akintola as Premier, he saw this as an opportunity to bring the N.C.N.C. into the government of Western Nigeria and thus came to the assistance of the smaller embattled pro-Akintola faction of the A.G. by allying the Western wing of the N.C.N.C. to them.
When the pro-Awolowo faction sought, in May, 1962, to remove Chief Akintola by means, which at the time, were legally ambiguous and had no constitutional precedent, the N.C.N.C. legislators led by Chief Fani-Kayode joined the pro-Akintola A.G. legislators to forestall in the legislative chamber what appeared to them to be an unconstitutional method of removing the Premier, particularly as Chief Akintola had earlier filed a lawsuit.
A vindictive, intolerant, paranoid and partisan Federal Government, seeing an opportunity to break the back of their bogey, the pro-Awolowo faction, rushed in with indecent haste and doubtful constitutional legality to impose a state of emergency in Western Nigeria. When the so-called emergency ended in January 1963, Chief Akintola was asked by the Federal Government to form a government without the benefit of a new election which would have decided once and for all which faction really commanded a majority in the legislature.
When I took Chief Fani-Kayode up on this, he informed me that as of January 1963, when a coalition government of the pro-Akintola faction and the N.C.N.C. was formed, that alliance commanded a majority in the legislature. It is difficult to accept this as neither a vote of confidence in the Akintola government nor new regional elections were ever held.
It may be recalled , however, that Chief Akintola had pre-emptively challenged his attempted dismissal when he filed a lawsuit in May 1962. He was successful at the Federal Supreme Court, which then occupied the intermediate position the Court of Appeal presently occupies in the judicial hierarchy. The pro-Awolowo faction appealed to the Judicial Committee of the Privy Council, which was then the final Court of Appeal for Nigeria.
A powerful Board, which included some of England's finest jurists such as Lords Radcliffe, Devlin and Guest, held that Chief Akintola had been lawfully dismissed, as the novel procedure adopted by the pro-Awolowo faction was constitutional. It must be conceded that it was a failure of statesmanship on the part of Chiefs Akintola and Fani-Kayode that they did not immediately resign at this point, for their government had by that decision become illegal.
Of course, the Balewa-led coalition government of the N.P.C. and N.C.N.C. must also even take a greater portion of the blame for committing the constitutional abomination of nullifying this judgement by passing a law, which had retrospective effect from October 1, 1960, abolishing appeals to the Privy Council. This was done in order to sustain their allies in power. This singular action destroyed parliamentary democracy in the West, and subsequently, in Nigeria.
The primary motive which informed the actions of Chiefs Akintola and Fani-Kayode and their associates was the desire to take the Yoruba out of the cul-de-sac they believed that Chief Awolowo's rigidity had led them into. Both men had in 1959 evinced a preference for an alliance with N.P.C in order to prevent the political isolation of the Yoruba. Consequently, they also believed in reaching a consensus with the N.P.C in order to establish a working relationship with them.
This involved refraining from taking actions that the North might consider inimical to its interests - e.g. they wanted to put an end to the political activities of the A.G. in the North and thereby transform the party into a regional party.
Both men and their associates felt that as a result of the Yoruba's political isolation in opposition, some chauvinistic Igbo leaders had seized the opportunity to completely efface the Yoruba from the public services, while at the same time establishing Igbo hegemony in the country.
Mr. AKIN AJOSE ADEOGUN, a commentator on national issues, wrote from Lagos.
Showing posts with label Femi Aribisala. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Femi Aribisala. Show all posts
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
The bitternes of Femi Aribisala
A GREEK proverb warns: "don't hear one and judge two". This sensible aphorism would appear to have been ignored by Mr. Femi Aribisala in his article of August 21, 2013, in which he bitterly assailed the contribution, character and person of the late Chief R.A. Fani-Kayode in the following terms : "....Like father, like son: That was 48 years ago.
Today, Femi Fani-Kayode, the 53-year-old son of 'Fani-Power,' continues in the mischievous tradition of his father: throwing dangerous missiles at the innocent.' " Furthermore, the said Mr. Aribisala also made what I thought were wildly inaccurate and dangerous statements about the true nature of Nigeria's federalism.
I first had the opportunity of meeting the late Chief R.A. Fani-Kayode when I joined the law firm of Fani-Kayode and Sowemimo sometime in 1990. I found him to be a man of elegance and great charm.
Though, he was in semi-retirement and hardly ventured out to the law courts at the time I got to know him, it was, nevertheless, obvious that he possessed an acute analytical mind, a profound knowledge of the law and was very meticulousness in his approach to solving a legal issue.
This was, without doubt, the consequence of an extremely fine intellect which had been refined by a first-rate legal education. I thought, however, that this superlative approach was undermined somewhat by the belligerence and biting sarcasm of his forensic style. In the discharge of his professional duties to his clients, he displayed a high degree of commitment, determination and discipline, which he also expected from his juniors, to who he made himself very accessible.
A legal scholar of Downing College, Cambridge University (like his illustrious father before him), he took his M.A. in 1945 - barely missing a first, he was third on the list in the law tripos - and the LL.B. (which was a masters degree in law at Cambridge), in 1946. A prizeman of the Middle Temple, he was called to the English Bar in 1947.
He rapidly rose to become one of the great commanding figures at the Nigerian Bar by 1960. Sir Olumuyiwa Jibowu, desiring to take him out of politics, had offered him an appointment to the High Court Bench in 1957. In recognition of his abilities, Chief Fani-Kayode was conferred with the rank of Queen's Counsel in August 1960, making him the third Nigerian to be so honoured - Chiefs H.O. Davies and F.R.A. Williams had earlier taken silk in 1958.
While the late Chief R.A. Fani-Kayode's legal attainments are generally regarded as incontrovertible, his political career has been the subject of some controversy. His political career can be divided into two phases: First, the period between 1954, when he first entered Parliament, and 1959, when he, as official A.G. candidate for Ife, lost his seat to the late Chief Michael Omisade, who, though he ran as an independent, had the support of the then Ooni of Ife, the late Sir Adesoji Aderemi, who, ironically, was an inveterate A.G. supporter.
Sir Adesoji was at this time involved in a bitter feud with the late Chief Fani-Kayode who was also the Chairman of the Ife District Council. The quarrel arose as a result of differences over the running of the affairs in the District. Till his death, Chief Fani-Kayode believed that Chief Awolowo betrayed him and covertly worked to ensure that he lost to Omisade. Prior to this, there had been what was primarily a personality clash between both men. From this clash arose Chief Fani-Kayode's bitter resentment of Chief Awolowo and the A.G. This explained his political conduct from 1960.
Whilst he was in the AG Chief Fani-Kayode contributed immensely to the organisation and expansion of that party into other regions, and the forging of its political alliances, particularly in the then Benue and Plateau provinces of the Northern Region. His work, and that of others, assisted in transforming the A.G. into a powerful nationalist movement which played a central role in the struggle for independence.
At this material period, he was idealistic, a nationalist and a progressive who emphasised militant Black racial pride (which culminated in the publication of his book Blackism in 1960), which pre-dated the Black Power Movement of the 1960s in the U.S.A..
During this period, he also nurtured the Youth Wing of the A.G., which he also moulded into a militant organisation. He was arrested at least once and arraigned before Magistrate F.O. Lucas on account of the violent activities of some members of this organisation who took direct action against British businesses. He was also the Assistant Federal Secretary of the A.G., and in that respect played a pivotal role, with the Federal Secretary, the late Chief Ayo Rosiji, in the organisation and administration of the A.G.
He, along with Chiefs Awolowo, S.O. Ighodaro, E.O. Eyo, Adeyemi Lawson and S.G. Ikoku, represented the A.G. at the 1957 London Constitutional Conference.
Chief Fani-Kayode also represented the A.G. as its counsel at the proceedings of the Minorities Commission, headed by Sir Henry Willink, between 1957 and 1958. He, along with Chief F.R.A. Williams, Mr. Justice Fatayi Williams and Chief T.A.B. Oki, representing the government of Western Nigeria, employed their considerable legal abilities at the various sittings of the Commission around the country, as they vainly sought - in the face of narrow-minded and selfish opposition by the N.P.C. and N.C.N.C., which was abetted by the hostility of the British colonial authorities - to argue the government of Western Nigeria and the Action Group's brief, which advocated the creation of more regions, in order to grant the right of self-determination to the Minority ethnic nationalities; to protect Minority rights and preserve the integrity of the ethnic nationalities; and to achieve the creation of an authentic federation where one of the regions (i.e. the Northern Region) would not be larger in area and population than the others put together, in a cynical attempt to ensure that that region could thereby bend the Federal Government to its will and thus dominate the entire country in perpetuity.
This enlightened brief which sought to ensure an equitable and suitable form of political association for a Nigeria of mutually distrustful and antagonistic ethnic nationalities with often divergent aspirations and interests, would, without doubt, have secured for us a finer quality of national life and prevented the past and present tragedies which continues to afflict this nation on account of the deliberate failure to address the "ethnic nationalities question." The valiant attempt by Chief Fani-Kayode and his colleagues pre-dated the present struggle - by the Resource Control Movement and those clamouring for the creation of an authentic federation - to re-negotiate the terms of our association by about 42 years.
Mr. AKIN AJOSE ADEOGUN, a commentator on national issues, wrote from Lagos.
Today, Femi Fani-Kayode, the 53-year-old son of 'Fani-Power,' continues in the mischievous tradition of his father: throwing dangerous missiles at the innocent.' " Furthermore, the said Mr. Aribisala also made what I thought were wildly inaccurate and dangerous statements about the true nature of Nigeria's federalism.
I first had the opportunity of meeting the late Chief R.A. Fani-Kayode when I joined the law firm of Fani-Kayode and Sowemimo sometime in 1990. I found him to be a man of elegance and great charm.
Though, he was in semi-retirement and hardly ventured out to the law courts at the time I got to know him, it was, nevertheless, obvious that he possessed an acute analytical mind, a profound knowledge of the law and was very meticulousness in his approach to solving a legal issue.
This was, without doubt, the consequence of an extremely fine intellect which had been refined by a first-rate legal education. I thought, however, that this superlative approach was undermined somewhat by the belligerence and biting sarcasm of his forensic style. In the discharge of his professional duties to his clients, he displayed a high degree of commitment, determination and discipline, which he also expected from his juniors, to who he made himself very accessible.
A legal scholar of Downing College, Cambridge University (like his illustrious father before him), he took his M.A. in 1945 - barely missing a first, he was third on the list in the law tripos - and the LL.B. (which was a masters degree in law at Cambridge), in 1946. A prizeman of the Middle Temple, he was called to the English Bar in 1947.
He rapidly rose to become one of the great commanding figures at the Nigerian Bar by 1960. Sir Olumuyiwa Jibowu, desiring to take him out of politics, had offered him an appointment to the High Court Bench in 1957. In recognition of his abilities, Chief Fani-Kayode was conferred with the rank of Queen's Counsel in August 1960, making him the third Nigerian to be so honoured - Chiefs H.O. Davies and F.R.A. Williams had earlier taken silk in 1958.
While the late Chief R.A. Fani-Kayode's legal attainments are generally regarded as incontrovertible, his political career has been the subject of some controversy. His political career can be divided into two phases: First, the period between 1954, when he first entered Parliament, and 1959, when he, as official A.G. candidate for Ife, lost his seat to the late Chief Michael Omisade, who, though he ran as an independent, had the support of the then Ooni of Ife, the late Sir Adesoji Aderemi, who, ironically, was an inveterate A.G. supporter.
Sir Adesoji was at this time involved in a bitter feud with the late Chief Fani-Kayode who was also the Chairman of the Ife District Council. The quarrel arose as a result of differences over the running of the affairs in the District. Till his death, Chief Fani-Kayode believed that Chief Awolowo betrayed him and covertly worked to ensure that he lost to Omisade. Prior to this, there had been what was primarily a personality clash between both men. From this clash arose Chief Fani-Kayode's bitter resentment of Chief Awolowo and the A.G. This explained his political conduct from 1960.
Whilst he was in the AG Chief Fani-Kayode contributed immensely to the organisation and expansion of that party into other regions, and the forging of its political alliances, particularly in the then Benue and Plateau provinces of the Northern Region. His work, and that of others, assisted in transforming the A.G. into a powerful nationalist movement which played a central role in the struggle for independence.
At this material period, he was idealistic, a nationalist and a progressive who emphasised militant Black racial pride (which culminated in the publication of his book Blackism in 1960), which pre-dated the Black Power Movement of the 1960s in the U.S.A..
During this period, he also nurtured the Youth Wing of the A.G., which he also moulded into a militant organisation. He was arrested at least once and arraigned before Magistrate F.O. Lucas on account of the violent activities of some members of this organisation who took direct action against British businesses. He was also the Assistant Federal Secretary of the A.G., and in that respect played a pivotal role, with the Federal Secretary, the late Chief Ayo Rosiji, in the organisation and administration of the A.G.
He, along with Chiefs Awolowo, S.O. Ighodaro, E.O. Eyo, Adeyemi Lawson and S.G. Ikoku, represented the A.G. at the 1957 London Constitutional Conference.
Chief Fani-Kayode also represented the A.G. as its counsel at the proceedings of the Minorities Commission, headed by Sir Henry Willink, between 1957 and 1958. He, along with Chief F.R.A. Williams, Mr. Justice Fatayi Williams and Chief T.A.B. Oki, representing the government of Western Nigeria, employed their considerable legal abilities at the various sittings of the Commission around the country, as they vainly sought - in the face of narrow-minded and selfish opposition by the N.P.C. and N.C.N.C., which was abetted by the hostility of the British colonial authorities - to argue the government of Western Nigeria and the Action Group's brief, which advocated the creation of more regions, in order to grant the right of self-determination to the Minority ethnic nationalities; to protect Minority rights and preserve the integrity of the ethnic nationalities; and to achieve the creation of an authentic federation where one of the regions (i.e. the Northern Region) would not be larger in area and population than the others put together, in a cynical attempt to ensure that that region could thereby bend the Federal Government to its will and thus dominate the entire country in perpetuity.
This enlightened brief which sought to ensure an equitable and suitable form of political association for a Nigeria of mutually distrustful and antagonistic ethnic nationalities with often divergent aspirations and interests, would, without doubt, have secured for us a finer quality of national life and prevented the past and present tragedies which continues to afflict this nation on account of the deliberate failure to address the "ethnic nationalities question." The valiant attempt by Chief Fani-Kayode and his colleagues pre-dated the present struggle - by the Resource Control Movement and those clamouring for the creation of an authentic federation - to re-negotiate the terms of our association by about 42 years.
Mr. AKIN AJOSE ADEOGUN, a commentator on national issues, wrote from Lagos.
How to become an overnight billionaire in Nigeria
By Femi Aribisala
WITH only some 50 years of independent national existence, Nigeria is a country reeking with “new money.” The overwhelming proportion of the millionaires and billionaires in the country are “nouveau-riche;” they became rich literally “overnight.” We are talking of people whose wealth does not go beyond a generation.
Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian billionaires like Femi Otedola scarcely goes beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only does Nigeria’s wealthy few have a short history, they often have a short future as well. The money comes “miraculously” and goes just as “miraculously.”
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the celebrated Nigerian tycoon. Highlife stars and juju musicians eulogised him in their records. But ask a young Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is, and I can bet my bottom dollar he has never heard of him.
S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has his wealth. It is not identifiable by any major industry or enterprise. His descendants may still be in litigation over the dregs of his estate, but undoubtedly it is nothing to write home about again. Certainly, nobody is singing about S.B. Bakare today. There are now new pretenders to his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians built something, developed something, or made something. At that time, the rich were truly captains of industry. Alhaji Sanusi Dantata made his fortune in the era of the groundnut pyramids in the North; buying and shipping them for export.
Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had Nigeria’s largest fleet of inter-city “mammy-wagons.” He also imported “panla” (dried fish) on a large scale. Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker fleet and a pioneering charter airline. Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and supplies for British Petroleum. Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola produced bicycle tires for the growing army of Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of Nigerian wealth is no longer the product of such ventures. Yes, we have billionaires like Ibrahim Dasuki and Mike Adenuga who can still be rightfully described as highly enterprising. But even more significantly, we have tycoons who came into wealth through “wuru-wuru” and “mago-mago.” These men are hardly Nigeria’s Bill Gates.
On the contrary, they don’t have a clue what to do with their dubious wealth, and they are ignorant about wealth-creation. As such, they add little of value to the Nigerian project. Their praises may be sung today by their horde of parasitical hangers-on, but they will not be remembered for good when they are gone. As mysteriously as their wealth materialised, so will it vanish.
These men became rich through some of the following tried and tested methods, which can be relied upon to lead to one’s inclusion in the Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich Men. If you want to get rich quick, here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked” this highly-classified national secret to you.
Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some transition. Bank-robbers used to be men of the underworld who held banks hostage at gunpoint and then made off with the cash. However, it was soon recognised that this approach has distinct disadvantages. You might get arrested and jailed. Even worse, you might get shot. It also became apparent that banks carry limited amounts of cash.
Therefore, a successful bank robbery of this violent kind might only land you perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is not even enough to buy or build a house in Banana Island. There is a better way to rob a bank with far limited risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob the bank every day without a gun. When people deposit money in your bank, they don’t know that they are handing over their life-savings to a thief. You then rob the bank you establish in a number of imaginative ways.
For example, you can lend money to your bank and then charge it a very high interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow billions from your bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can use the money deposited in your bank to buy houses and then rent them out as branches to your bank at exorbitant prices.
This approach is guaranteed to make you a few billion naira until the EFCC policemen come calling. When they do, you can quickly fall sick, spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and then relocate to your village to enjoy your wealth, never to be heard of again.
Join the PDP.
This one is a sure banker. As a member of the greatest party in the history of Africa, you will be given a credit-card to spend Nigeria’s oil wealth. If you are not getting enough attention in the party, make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on the pages of the newspapers and call Buhari an idiot.
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not only run for re-election unopposed in 2015, there should be a constitutional amendment to make him a life-president. This is a tell-tale sign that you are hungry; and the powers-that-be will soon invite you to “come and chop.”
As a distinguished member of this great party, the opportunities open for you to set yourself up for life are considerable. For example, you can start collecting billions for petroleum subsidy and simply not import any petrol whatsoever. You can get the government to change all car license-plates nationwide; and then become the sole supplier of the new license-plates.
You can ask the president to make you the sole importer and distributor of diesel for the entire country. Of course, this might also entail that you become the chairman of his re-election campaign, to which you duly make a handsome contribution. Alternatively, you can ask to be chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a matter of months, you have a fleet of cars, have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife and marry a fourteen-year-old “Suzie” befitting your new status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria’s celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on the ball. Don’t get distracted or carried away. The enemies of Mr. President must always remain your enemies.
Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure you lose your job or fall on hard times. Don’t go into depression. Just start a church. Make it a purpose-built church. Think of something that men need. Tell them you have the anointing to provide it. Tell them whoever wants to be a billionaire should come to your church. Start a few of your messages with “Thus says the Lord.” Then teach your congregation the everlasting principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they really want God to bless them financially, they first have to give you as much money as possible. Create a special prayer group for millionaires and billionaires. That way, if they get any new government contract they will attribute it to the efficacy of your prayers and credit something big into your bank account. Tell everybody to give you their “first-fruits.”
That is a code word for their entire January salaries. Then come up with imaginative offerings to collect, such as “prophet’s offering,” (you, of course, being the prophet); “Father, Son and Holy Ghost offerings;” “Jesus will do it offering.”
Very soon, you will be flying your own private jet to preach your gospel in Ilesha; you will be wearing white Armani suits and jerry-curling your hair; you will be collecting gate-fees for new years’ eve services; billionaire thieves and robbers will be queuing up to see your private-secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway. In short, you will be living large. For good measure, you will also be slapping demons out of poor bewitched damsels with impunity.
Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There are many politicians and men of timber and caliber looking for mules; men who can keep stolen money for them, or smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This is a highly lucrative job because for every ten billion naira you smuggle, you can pocket one billion. Don’t get greedy and come to the conclusion that you can make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on your tail. Before they kill you, they will first break your legs. If you are caught while smuggling money abroad, you can easily escape and come back home dressed as a woman. Then you can get a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a governor, you are set up for life. You will get 24 hours military protection so that no petty thief can come near you. You will get to travel all over the world. You will get free medical check-ups, so that you don’t just fall down one day and die.
That would be disastrous, especially if your sponsor does not know exactly where you kept his loot, or if he does not have the password to the secret account you opened for it in the Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former Nigerian Head of State who allegedly kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then the mule had a stroke. Every effort was made to get him to say just a few words, namely the number of the account where the loot was stashed; but to no avail.
After a few months, the man died. This “national” calamity has prompted the review of the conditions of service of mules. There are now two new, strictly prohibited, clauses. Mules must not have strokes, and under no circumstances should a mule presume to die. If he does, his generations yet unborn will suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected other Nigerian approaches to quick wealth than these, don’t hesitate to let me know. I promise to keep the matter strictly confidential.)
WITH only some 50 years of independent national existence, Nigeria is a country reeking with “new money.” The overwhelming proportion of the millionaires and billionaires in the country are “nouveau-riche;” they became rich literally “overnight.” We are talking of people whose wealth does not go beyond a generation.
Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian billionaires like Femi Otedola scarcely goes beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only does Nigeria’s wealthy few have a short history, they often have a short future as well. The money comes “miraculously” and goes just as “miraculously.”
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the celebrated Nigerian tycoon. Highlife stars and juju musicians eulogised him in their records. But ask a young Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is, and I can bet my bottom dollar he has never heard of him.
S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has his wealth. It is not identifiable by any major industry or enterprise. His descendants may still be in litigation over the dregs of his estate, but undoubtedly it is nothing to write home about again. Certainly, nobody is singing about S.B. Bakare today. There are now new pretenders to his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians built something, developed something, or made something. At that time, the rich were truly captains of industry. Alhaji Sanusi Dantata made his fortune in the era of the groundnut pyramids in the North; buying and shipping them for export.
Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had Nigeria’s largest fleet of inter-city “mammy-wagons.” He also imported “panla” (dried fish) on a large scale. Sir Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker fleet and a pioneering charter airline. Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and supplies for British Petroleum. Chief Timothy Adeola Odutola produced bicycle tires for the growing army of Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of Nigerian wealth is no longer the product of such ventures. Yes, we have billionaires like Ibrahim Dasuki and Mike Adenuga who can still be rightfully described as highly enterprising. But even more significantly, we have tycoons who came into wealth through “wuru-wuru” and “mago-mago.” These men are hardly Nigeria’s Bill Gates.
On the contrary, they don’t have a clue what to do with their dubious wealth, and they are ignorant about wealth-creation. As such, they add little of value to the Nigerian project. Their praises may be sung today by their horde of parasitical hangers-on, but they will not be remembered for good when they are gone. As mysteriously as their wealth materialised, so will it vanish.
These men became rich through some of the following tried and tested methods, which can be relied upon to lead to one’s inclusion in the Nigerian Book of Irrelevant Rich Men. If you want to get rich quick, here is the Nigerian blueprint. But please, don’t tell anyone I “wiki-leaked” this highly-classified national secret to you.
Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some transition. Bank-robbers used to be men of the underworld who held banks hostage at gunpoint and then made off with the cash. However, it was soon recognised that this approach has distinct disadvantages. You might get arrested and jailed. Even worse, you might get shot. It also became apparent that banks carry limited amounts of cash.
Therefore, a successful bank robbery of this violent kind might only land you perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is not even enough to buy or build a house in Banana Island. There is a better way to rob a bank with far limited risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob the bank every day without a gun. When people deposit money in your bank, they don’t know that they are handing over their life-savings to a thief. You then rob the bank you establish in a number of imaginative ways.
For example, you can lend money to your bank and then charge it a very high interest-rate. Better still, you can borrow billions from your bank and simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can use the money deposited in your bank to buy houses and then rent them out as branches to your bank at exorbitant prices.
This approach is guaranteed to make you a few billion naira until the EFCC policemen come calling. When they do, you can quickly fall sick, spend a few months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and then relocate to your village to enjoy your wealth, never to be heard of again.
Join the PDP.
This one is a sure banker. As a member of the greatest party in the history of Africa, you will be given a credit-card to spend Nigeria’s oil wealth. If you are not getting enough attention in the party, make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on the pages of the newspapers and call Buhari an idiot.
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should not only run for re-election unopposed in 2015, there should be a constitutional amendment to make him a life-president. This is a tell-tale sign that you are hungry; and the powers-that-be will soon invite you to “come and chop.”
As a distinguished member of this great party, the opportunities open for you to set yourself up for life are considerable. For example, you can start collecting billions for petroleum subsidy and simply not import any petrol whatsoever. You can get the government to change all car license-plates nationwide; and then become the sole supplier of the new license-plates.
You can ask the president to make you the sole importer and distributor of diesel for the entire country. Of course, this might also entail that you become the chairman of his re-election campaign, to which you duly make a handsome contribution. Alternatively, you can ask to be chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within a matter of months, you have a fleet of cars, have two or three houses in Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife and marry a fourteen-year-old “Suzie” befitting your new status. You have arrived as one of Nigeria’s celebrated rich men. But keep your eyes on the ball. Don’t get distracted or carried away. The enemies of Mr. President must always remain your enemies.
Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure you lose your job or fall on hard times. Don’t go into depression. Just start a church. Make it a purpose-built church. Think of something that men need. Tell them you have the anointing to provide it. Tell them whoever wants to be a billionaire should come to your church. Start a few of your messages with “Thus says the Lord.” Then teach your congregation the everlasting principles of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they really want God to bless them financially, they first have to give you as much money as possible. Create a special prayer group for millionaires and billionaires. That way, if they get any new government contract they will attribute it to the efficacy of your prayers and credit something big into your bank account. Tell everybody to give you their “first-fruits.”
That is a code word for their entire January salaries. Then come up with imaginative offerings to collect, such as “prophet’s offering,” (you, of course, being the prophet); “Father, Son and Holy Ghost offerings;” “Jesus will do it offering.”
Very soon, you will be flying your own private jet to preach your gospel in Ilesha; you will be wearing white Armani suits and jerry-curling your hair; you will be collecting gate-fees for new years’ eve services; billionaire thieves and robbers will be queuing up to see your private-secretary on the Lagos-Ibadan expressway. In short, you will be living large. For good measure, you will also be slapping demons out of poor bewitched damsels with impunity.
Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There are many politicians and men of timber and caliber looking for mules; men who can keep stolen money for them, or smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This is a highly lucrative job because for every ten billion naira you smuggle, you can pocket one billion. Don’t get greedy and come to the conclusion that you can make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on your tail. Before they kill you, they will first break your legs. If you are caught while smuggling money abroad, you can easily escape and come back home dressed as a woman. Then you can get a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a governor, you are set up for life. You will get 24 hours military protection so that no petty thief can come near you. You will get to travel all over the world. You will get free medical check-ups, so that you don’t just fall down one day and die.
That would be disastrous, especially if your sponsor does not know exactly where you kept his loot, or if he does not have the password to the secret account you opened for it in the Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former Nigerian Head of State who allegedly kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then the mule had a stroke. Every effort was made to get him to say just a few words, namely the number of the account where the loot was stashed; but to no avail.
After a few months, the man died. This “national” calamity has prompted the review of the conditions of service of mules. There are now two new, strictly prohibited, clauses. Mules must not have strokes, and under no circumstances should a mule presume to die. If he does, his generations yet unborn will suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected other Nigerian approaches to quick wealth than these, don’t hesitate to let me know. I promise to keep the matter strictly confidential.)
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